I don’t understand how the world is still standing. How is that possible that people still go around their day? Buying bread in our bakery, chatting, and picking out scones? I don’t understand how I am supposed to smile to customers…

I don’t understand how people can’t hear this scream of pain and anguish, the scream that is shaking our world, and that is deafening in my ears…

I know that some will think me naive, or emotional, or hysterical. There are others who would also think that it is, on the opposite, important to live our lives, to carry on, to persevere, to go about our day, and raise our children, and eat candy floss. I just don’t see how one can.

I was crying on the bus, and a very kind looking old lady asked me what was wrong, and I just said, “Paris…” And she hugged me, and asked, “Did you have someone there, dear?” Why is it that we are supposed to lose someone we know to mourn, and cry, and feel this pain?

I have a couple of friends in Paris, and the family I knew in Nice had moved to the city couple years ago, but they all are safe, and were nowhere near the shootings. Does it mean I can’t cry on the bus about it?

I was reading the post on Facebook by a girl who spent an hour lying in the strangers’ blood, pretending to be dead, while people around her cried, and screamed, in one of the clubs that had just been attacked… Am I not suppose to suffocate in the lift, and feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach, and not being able to even look at the members of my species after that?

You know how they always say that laughter is what sets us aside from other animals? And the Soviets used to say it was labour. And then there’s creativity… And love… And all other rubbish? Well, no, it’s not true. Violence and malice set us aside from other animals. Killing each other, not for eating, not hunting, but in pure hatred – that’s what’s different in us.

I am ashamed to be human today. I can’t stand it, and I don’t understand how others can.

Katya Kolmakov
Katya Kolmakov. Mother. Writer. Artist. Fanfiction and Wattpad. First novel on Amazon

1 Comment

  1. You are right in what you are feeling. Everyone on planet Earth should be mourning about Paris. And Beirut. And the thousands of death tolls that have taken place and still do in Syria, Irak, Afghanistan and (…)Please fill in the spaces…Life always goes on, and it should, because no amount of commiseration will bring back the dead or wll ease the pain of those who are experiencing those times of struggle. So, the next time you are enjoying ice cream or a meal or a shower…appreciate it. Not everyone on this planet is as priviledged as us. Be kind.

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