Thea Martin Method || Step One: Talk About Footie (Completion Stage)


{Link to the photo, and a funny read, if you are interested}

Chapter 3

Step 1: Talk About Footie

(Completion Stage)

Caitlin’ favourite is Le Boheme. And her favourite film, not so coincidentally, is Moonstruck– 1987, Cher, and a very young Nicholas Cage, and the glorious, divine music of Puccini.

And the passion. It’s all about the passion, and she’s never felt it, but here, now in this office… Oh, she is almost fainting. That’s why she’s sitting in this chair, in this ridiculous dress, in the shoes that are more painful than removing wisdom teeth, and in front of the man, who might not be able “to make the beast with two backs.”

Craig, W.J., ed. “Othello.” The Complete Works of William Shakespeare. London: Oxford University Press: 1914

Even in her mind, Caitlin formats this quote properly, with a footnote. One can take the person out of the academic writing, but one can’t take the academic writing out of a Medieval Lit Professor.

“May I invite you to opera then?” she throws him a look – hopefully – from under her lashes. The mechanics of this gesture are rather hazy to her, but she’s making a valiant effort. “That is of course if the poster isn’t left here by your predecessor.”

She knows it isn’t, but she remembers the ‘he needs an illusion that he did something to achieve it [shag]. It strokes their ego’ part of Thea’s manual.

“Oh, thank you. It’s so generous of you!” Sincere joy is reflected on Dr. Oakes’ face. “I was dying to find company, but it felt strange to randomly approach faculty members asking them if they fancied a trip for Rigoletto.

“It’s La Boheme this season,” Caitlin corrects him without thinking, and then bites her tongue.

[TM5SM: Never point out his mistakes. That’s crucial. Agree with every bloody thing he says. Laugh at his jokes. Even if it’s ‘Why did the chicken cross the playground?’ And the answer is ‘to get to the other slide.’]

“Even better,” Dr. Oakes agrees lightly. “It’s my second most favourite one.”

Don Giovanni?” Caitlin assumes.

Traviata,” he answers, and smiles.

Caitlin gulps loudly. When he smiles, there are crows’ feet at the corners of his eyes, and his thick black lashes, again, worthy of Olivia Dane’s novels, make his sapphire blue eyes – and yes, she knows it’s a cliche of all cliches – so much brighter.

“Well, opera it is then.” She returns the smile, and wonders if it’s time for ‘TCT pull and dangle’ trick.

“Marvelous. When is the first night?” he asks, and pulls out a large leather bound day planner from his drawer.

Caitlin feels like a sappy teen girl, admiring everything her teacher does. The planner is elegant; he has beautiful hands; and he just opened his Second Empire Limited Edition Dupont.

“In five weeks,” Caitlin answers, applying the Thea Martin’s 2 Stage Proposal Sub-Method.

funny promo materials- for romance-humour webserial

“While the photo exhibition of August Anderson, whose work you have on that wall over there… is only one week from now,” Caitlin continues, and then lets a strategic pause linger in his office.

He guffaws, and opens the planner on the next week’s page.

“Would you do me the honour of accompanying me to the exhibition, Dr. McGrath?”

Did he just drop his voice on purpose? Because it definitely was more in the purr diapason just now. Caitlin suddenly has a very distinct image of straddling him on that very chair of his. Oh, the things she’d do to him, to all his glorious self, currently – unfortunately – hiding under all that tweed!

“I’d love to.” And also Caitlin would love to know if it’s indeed nice when a beard scrapes at one’s lips and teeth, or that’s another thing from harlequin novels that doesn’t work in real life. Like sex standing up, or the allegedly very common in males foot fetish.

[TM5SM: Be assertive. Bait. It can be a card, or the phone number, etc. For more advanced users, an item of clothing is recommended, but not you, Cai! Blimey, you probably wouldn’t manage even a simple digits exchange. So give him your boring academic business card. And lick your lips. They are one of your best features. C’mon, do it! Now!]

Caitlin licks her lips and opens her clutch in search of her business cards. She’s certain she put the case in. After all, she’s been preparing. Bugger… The case is LV’s Champs-Elysées, metal, Caitlin’s name engraved at the back. She thinks it’s pretentious and over the board, but Thea gave it to her for her last birthday, and insisted that that was the case to be presented to Dr. Oakes.

The annoying metal rectangular finally resurfaces, and Caitlin stretches her hand with a card towards Dr. Oakes’ wonderful, long fingered, masculine hand on the table.

[TM5SM: After your approachability and interest are established, snap the line, wag your tail, and leave.]

“Let me know what day works.” She rises, and Dr. Oakes immediately jumps on his feet. “I’m not sure what my schedule is like this week, but I can find a spot for you.”

[TM5SM: Not bad, Cai, not bad at all! Sultry voice, pouted lips, not too much, but just enough to let him know what it’s all about. And no, it’s not photography by that Septic totty Anderson. Now, off you pop!]

If anything, Caitlin is very pleased with one thing. She didn’t tumble down on his very clean floor while leaving his office. She’d give her hips’ performance 1.4 points. It was no Double Lutz, but she did her best. Let’s face it, he had to be blind not to notice the bum. The dress is as tight around it as the nervous tick that Caitlin’s developing just thinking about her own inadequacies.


Step Closure and Aftermath:

“How did it go, Cai?” Thea’s voice in the mobile is all business, and Caitlin chokes on the Jammie Dodger she was chewing.

“I think it went well. I gave him my card, and we are presumably going to the photo exhibition next week. He has that giant photo by August Anderson on his wall, so I assumed it’s his thing… You know, like you said, ‘find out his thing…'”

Thea’s humming approvingly on the other end.

“And in five weeks we are going to La Boheme…

“What?! Are you mental, Cai?” Thea emits a holler, and Caitlin presses her head down into the shoulders. “That is abso-fucking-lutely unacceptable! Don’t you understand what you’ve done?!”

“No…” Caitlin whines, “Sorry…”

“Cai, you’ve created the worst possible notion in seduction! Future! Second dates are good for only one thing, Cai! It’s when a bloke offers, and you regally refuse him! You tackle your Dr. Tree, drop him on his back, get your fill, and get out of there! That was the plan, Cai! And now there’s a chance that even if that exhibition of yours ends where we need it, that possibility of the second date will hang over both of you, and that is… inconceivable! It will either make the first one awkward for you, or for him; he might run; or misunderstand… There hundreds of possibilities how ‘future’ can arse up the whole plan. Inconceivable, McGrath! Simply inconceivable!”

Caitlin can’t help herself. “You keep using that word, but…” she starts in a small voice, and receives a growl in return.

“Shut it, McGrath! I’m thinking!”

Caitlin obediently shuts it, and tried to discreetly bite a piece from her biscuit. The crunch is very loud, and she freezes with a piece behind her cheek.

“Alright, here’s the new amended plan. And again, I’m very disappointed in you, Cai…” Caitlin can just imagine Thea’s mournful head shaking. “Plan B. You don’t shag your Dr. Medieval Swords and Viking Stuff after the exhibition, and we stretch your plan for the next five weeks. I usually do all 5 steps in one evening, but you clearly need more time.”

Caitlin sighs. She was of course hoping to get there faster, but one doesn’t argue with the Master. But after La Boheme… he’s hers!

The story will continue in Chapter 4. Stage 2: Red Dress (Preparation Stage)


Katya Kolmakov
Katya Kolmakov. Mother. Writer. Artist. Fanfiction and Wattpad. First novel on Amazon


  1. Hilarious. Wow! Thea really is calculating. I love the story, and I love the concept of the plan. However, I wonder how well Cai would do on her own after today, and Thea’s initial set-up. Just fine I reckon – but where would the fun in that be?!

    1. I’m glad it reads as funny. That is indeed the only aim in this story (and a wee bit of “Dr. Oakes” of course :D) Cai won’t be on her own, there are 4 more steps in the Patented Method 🙂 The problem is the execution as you have mentioned. Hm… I just think the view of Dr. Oakes and his glorious… everything might indeed mess up her ability to follow the plan 🙂

  2. I’m really enjoying this little series man, I do hope that you haven’t given up on it. But I can’t find any more of it on here. Did you move it to another site?

  3. I’d forgotten how much I enjoyed this story. So glad it has more life in it… but then I’d adore any of your creations 🙂

    1. I know, right? 🙂 It’s so frothy and silly. Perfect for Christmas season, and to generally cheer us up 🙂 I was cleaning up my blog, and saw it, and thought, ‘That would be a great Thursday story.’ So, next Thursday, Dr. Oakes goes to the exhibition!

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