Thea Martin Method || Step One: Talk About Footie (Execution Stage)


{Outfit inspiration created on Polyvore}

Chapter 2

Step 1: Talk About Footie

(Execution Stage)

Caitlin knocks at the door, and after his low baritone makes her whole body jolt with its ‘Yes? Come in!’ she’s finally at the place of her execution.

He’s sitting at his desk, the office is still crowded with boxes and packages, and he lifts his eyes. Above very stylish, tortoiseshell reading glasses. Something quietly squeaks inside her. Thankfully, she’s the only one who can hear it. Hopefully.

She remembered right. He’s so gorgeous that she needs to concentrate very hard not to stare. The hair, wavy and very heavy and smooth looking – mostly silver, with a few darker strands left in it – is gathered in a ponytail. In the beard there’s also more salt than pepper, but the moustache above the curved upper lip is darker, and it works wonders on Caitlin’s imagination. The very imagination that is fueled by harlequin novels she has an unfortunate fondness for – she has a secret collection of Olivia Dane‘s bestsellers hidden in a box under her bed, in case of some visitors. And the much less embarrassing content is displayed on the bookshelves in the living room. Dostoevsky and Borges included.

He has bright blue eyes, she remembers the sapphire blue very distinctly, and they are framed by thick black lashes.

[TM5SM: Dress elegantly. Dress sexy. Show up. Be confident.]

Caitlin can tick the box. The dress is indeed very fit and elegant, and she’s chosen her accessories very carefully: the watch, the bracelet, the red Hermes clutch, stilettos that are as comfortable as the Spanish boot. And of course, the Tit Check Trap, the necklace with a dangly piece, theoretically capable of directing a man’s attention towards the artfully exhibited cleavage, especially with the application of the strategic method of ‘pulling out and dangling.’

Caitlin made sure not to look too dressy, it’s a Tuesday afternoon, but still she’s hard to miss. Thanks to her angular, ickle build, which used to be her major grievance when she was young, she’s now more of a well-preserved dried apricot than a luscious plum like her friend Thea, but she’s still OK. Ish.

[TM5SM: Be the opposite of him. If he is a macho man, a brute, and a barbarian, be sensual, soft, and seductive. If he is polite and considerate, push harder, take the reins. Men want challenge, but at the same time subconsciously crave to be clearly told what to do. The attitude clashing with theirs makes them stop, focus, and listen. (At least enough to do what they are told. Don’t expect miracles, e.g. common interests, understanding, intellectual and/or emotional bonding. That’s what dogs are for.)]

Caitlin isn’t sure whether Dr. Oakes is a brute and a barbarian, or polite and considerate. At the school assembly where he was introduced to the faculty, he seemed confident, calm, friendly. He wasn’t particularly chatty, but told a funny joke about a banana, a motorcycle, and three chestnuts. He has a wide, white toothed grin, and his low velvet voice has been visiting Caitlin in most M rated dreams. She’s having it worse than what she had after she watched Jayne Eyre with Fassbender.

And then he gets up behind his desk – lovely manners, mate! – and Caitlin’s experiencing flashbacks. When she was seven, her Aunt Molly took her to the London Museum of Natural History, and Caitlin was properly traumatised by the grizzly bear. Ursus arctos ssp. The cross-eyed and stubby nosed one, with the barmy muzzle expression.

Dr. Oakes’ nose is more than adequate, by the way. It’s long, noble, and has the most elegant bridge. The glasses have slid at the very tip, and he’s looking at her above them.

But he has the same build as Caitlin’s childhood furry nemesis. He’s so large, heavy, and solid that Caitlin is flooded by the mixture of suffocating arousal, and panic. The panic is mostly caused by the question of what she’s going to do with all this opulence if Thea’s method actually works. He. Is. Massive.

And furry. Just like the bear. The bottom line of the beard – and Caitlin really, really wants to touch – is neatly trimmed, the neck is shaved, but she can see the chest hair peaking in the collar of the minicheck earl grey colour shirt, one top button open. Caitlin is feeling very hot.

And unstable on her stilts. She’s supposed to confidently approach him and start a conversation. Currently, she’d like to confidently approach the chair in front of his desk and fall into it with a loud groan of relief.

“Afternoon,” he rumbles in his chest, just like the characters in Olivia Dane’s novels, and Caitlin recites the instructions in her head.

[TM5SM: Ask him about his thing. Every man has the thing. And no, it’s not the pecker.

Usually it’s footie. About 87% can be engaged into a discussion of football, since they either play (most likely they ‘used to be semi-professional’ and/or ‘meet up with a couple friends on weekends,’ meaning they are horrible and played once last Summer with a group of equally unsporty blokes); or they watch.

Footie discussion is only worth the research that would have to go into it if the bloke is above 7.8 on the scale from 1 to Chris Hemsworth. Otherwise, some easier topic can be found, so that the chick didn’t fall asleep instead of seducing the twit.]

“Afternoon,” she answers, makes a step ahead, and stretches her hand across his table. “Dr. Caitlin McGrath, Medieval Literature.”

“We’ve met.” He smiles pleasantly. “At the assembly. Pleasure to meet you again.” There’s a low chuckle in his chest. And there people were mocking the chuckling trope on the net! Men do chuckle. This one just did. Caitlin’s knees might have given in a tad.

He shakes her hand, and she finally sits down. Even if nothing works out today, she’ll cherish the memories of lifting her weight off her flaming soles.

“I’ve decided to stop by to greet you to our little academic world in less formal circumstances.” She gives him a – hopefully – charming smile.

Caitlin is properly uncertain if she’s doing it right.

[TM5SM: Be seductive. Sound suggestive. He needs to know what’s what from the start. Men don’t fancy guessing and doubting. Let him know shag is possible. But don’t make it sound like a 100% solid prospect. He needs an illusion that he did something to achieve it. It strokes their ego.]

“Thank you. It’s nice to feel welcome.”

He’s still standing, looming over her, and there’s just so much of him! Caitlin would really like to get her hands on all of… this. There’s a very professorial looking tweet jacket, soft, dark grey waistcoat, and a scarf around his neck. Since he’s impersonating bok choy with all these layers, it’s properly hard to guess the shape underneath. At the moment he looks like a grizzly sized Paddington. Which is double stimulating. He might be a great shag, and a cuddlebug afterwards. That is if Caitlin manages to squeeze some more words out of herself.

She throws a quick look around his office. Most of boxes are still packed, so she doesn’t have much to work with. She’s done her footie research, but she’d prefer a safer topic.

Books, books, books, more books, Russian matryoshkas, Dutch delft blue statuettes, a Licitar heart. Caitlin’s mind races.

And then, on the wall she sees the most amazing thing! It’s 1908 Cleveland Aida poster! And it might even be authentic!

Oh god, he just might have been upgraded to eleventh position on the scale from 1 to Chris Hemsworth. There’s nothing in this world that Caitlin loves more than opera!

Well, maybe opera lovers. Delicious, bearded, long nosed opera lovers.

The story will continue in Chapter 3. Stage 1: Talk About Footie (Completion Stage)

Katya Kolmakov
Katya Kolmakov. Mother. Writer. Artist. Fanfiction and Wattpad. First novel on Amazon


  1. Lol, scale of 1 to Chris Hemsworth! I like that 🙂 And dropping Olivia Dane in – very clever 😉 Thorougjly enjoyed this chapter xx

    1. Thank you for reading and leaving a comment, Laura! It is fun, isn’t it? And yeah, of course Chris Hemsworth. Wren/Olivia/Caitlin, just like your humble servant, has a weakness for large, wide – and adorned with a glorious mane – men 🙂

  2. I love this story and he is just so delicious it hurts!!! I love her outfit and also love how you’re peppering in quotes for Thea!

    1. Thank you, Meghan, for reading and leaving a comment! Creating charts and outfits are at least 50% of fun in writing this story. I’m glad that there are more ways to entertain my readers than just a bit of writing 🙂 And yes, he is scrumptious! I spent all day at work today daydreaming about Dr. Oakes 😀

  3. Caitlin has excellent taste – in men and clothes! I approve big time. Well that went well so far. Points to Thea and Caitlin. Really enjoying this one Katya.

    1. Yay! I’m glad you do. It is endless, slightly ‘brainless’ fun for me 🙂 I’m dressing my characters, making charts, and being all around silly. And I didn’t expect that much fun to come out of writing an older Thorin/John to be honest, but I find myself thinking about him through my day. Hope, it’ll pass on the readers 🙂

  4. Thank God she is saved from discussing footie! High point for me in this chapter – “Don’t expect miracles, e.g. common interests, understanding, intellectual and/or emotional bonding. That’s what dogs are for.” Thea’s tips and quips get funnier each time I read them.

    1. Thank you! I’m having loads of fun finally letting Thea express her glorious self fully! 😀 And indeed, no footie discussion. Although, Dr. Oakes does deserve a bit of effort 😉

Leave a Reply