Thea Martin’s 5 Step Method Serial || Prologue

“Thea, I have a question about erection…”

“Hallelujah!” Thea yells into the air of the posh restaurant they are sitting in, and her perfectly manicured hands fly up in the air. Caitlin hisses at her.

“What do you want to know?” Thea asks then in a normal, though very eager voice.

“Well, it’s different in different age, right?” Caitlin asks timidly, blush immediately spilling on her cheeks. Thea tilts her head.

“Please, please, please, tell me you’ve decided to follow my advice, and finally cougar down one of your students?” This time Thea goes for no less theatrics, and folds her hand in a begging gesture in front of her glorious Dior clad chest. “As I’ve been telling you all these years, your experience of twenty something years of shag, and their budding enthusiasm will go together like these tomatoes and mozzarella!”

Caitlin stares into the aforementioned salad.

“Caitlin?..” Thea starts to suspect it’s not that simple. “C’mon, tell me at least it’s someone’s older brother…” Her tone is menacing now. “Caitlin Elizabeth McGrath, although you and I went to uni together, I’m still around thirty five; but mind you, you are forty eight! Don’t tell me the bloke is your age!”

Caitlin pokes a slice of tomato, clearly trying to inflict pain and not pick it up to eat.

“No, no, no, no… Cai, no! Tell me it’s not happening!” Thea puts down her fork with a loud clank. A waiter rushes to them; but after meeting her eyes, he does one eighty, and disappears in the kitchen.

“Nothing’s happening. It was a theoretical question. We hardly talked,” Caitlin mumbles defensively.

“Who is he, Cai?” Thea’s voice is strict and intimidating. Caitlin feels like a school pupil again.

“The new Dean of History Department,” Caitlin squeaks. “But it’s honestly just a theoretical question! Because I mean, he isn’t interested… I was just curious, because I’ve never before thought of a bloke his age in these terms…” Caitlin’s tiny voice dies out, and she stuffs a forkful of her salad into her mouth.

Thea is glaring at her. Probably. Caitlin can’t see, since she’s pretending to study the mural on the wall to the left. But knowing Thea, her eyes are currently burrowing a hole in Caitlin’s temple.

“How old, Cai?”

Shivers run down Caitlin’s spine from the cold tone.



There’s no hope to escape the wrath of Thea Martin.

“Sixty two.”

“Are you out of your bloody mind?!” Thea’s holler rolls through the city’s best Italian bistro.

Caitlin tries to shush her, but Thea is in full righteous indignation mode.

“Caitlin, you are literally a waste of resources! You teach young, fit, flexible, full of stamina and desire to prove themselves, twenty something year old students every sodding day! And you are going for a brontosaurus?!”

Caitlin wants to say that: A. Dr. John Thorington is hardly a brontosaurus. And B. She would never create a power conflict by getting involved with a student of hers – but she knows that it’s wiser to keep her gob shut.

Thea’s shaking her head mournfully and sighs deeply and sadly.

“Goodness, Cai, I’m disappointed…”

“But you are going to help me, right?” Caitlin asks tentatively. That gets Thea’s attention.

“Help you with what?” There’s a look of suspicion in Thea’s gorgeous brown eyes, and Caitlin leans in and whispers.

“I don’t know much about shag… Well, besides those three men you are well aware of. So… Can he even… You know… And if he can, how can I…” Caitlin fills her lungs with air, and momentarily closing her eyes she blurts out, “Seduce him?”

Thea looks like that surprised cat meme gif. Eyes round and jaw slowly descending.

“Cai, I think I’ve had too much Merlot just now. I think I had a hallucination of you pronouncing the word ‘seduce’…”

“I mean, I know I’m not the fittest bird, but…” Caitlin stops, silenced by Thea’s raised hand.

“OK, shut up now, McGrath. You are super fit, you just hide it very well. And with patented Thea Martin five step program you can bonk anything and anyone, but…” Thea throws Caitlin a dubious look. “Sixty two? Cai, I’m not sure how much success you’ll see there.”

“That’s exactly what I’m asking…”

Thea emits a pointed exasperated sigh, and picks up her glass with the aforementioned Merlot.

“Despite the general public opinion, only 44% of men over 50 develop an erectile dysfunction. That is if there are no health issues present. On the other hand, most of them have so-called erectile dissatisfaction, which basically just entitles slight changes in the way the erection is achieved and sustained. Theoretically, 70% of men over 70 are still capable of being sexually active, it’s just different… What shape is your brontosaur in?”

Thea takes a sip, while Caitlin is staring into space.

She isn’t sure what shape her brontosaur is in. He’s big. As in tall, wide, large. Even thinking about him in these terms makes her slightly hot, and she hurriedly gulps some water. On the other hand, he wears those layers… Jackets, waistcoats, scarves – goodness knows what’s under them. But Caitlin is very, very curious.

Also, there’s plenty silver in his neatly trimmed beard, and his exotic ponytail, and she tries to stop thinking about it, but somehow the thought of his chest being covered in grey hair – she’s certain it’s hairy, he’s generally quite… furry – this one thought just wouldn’t leave her alone and currently makes her squeeze her knees. She hasn’t felt like this in years, but here it is.

Pure, unadulterated lust.

Thea’s drinking her wine, studying Caitlin who probably has a vastly dazed facial expression. Caitlin blinks and asks, “So, will you help me, or not?”

“I have a condition, McGrath.”

“Anything!” Oops, Caitlin thinks, That was way too fast.

“Promise me we are talking about pure shag. You will do everything I say, and you will get your Dr. Tree in your bed, but I’m not responsible for any touchy-feely rubbish, yeah? Just shag. I’m no Caroline Brealey. I’ll get you your brontosaur between the sheets, but no…” Thea’s face scrunches in disgust. “Romance…”

“I swear. I just really, really want to shag him.” Caitlin’s expressing eager obedience with her whole body, just like Thea’s Norwich Terrier in the prospect of his treats.

Thea sighs, and beckons a waiter for more Merlot.

“Alright, McGrath, let’s talk strategy.”

To be continued in the chapter titled Step 1: Talk About Footie (Preparation Stage)

Katya Kolmakov
Katya Kolmakov. Mother. Writer. Artist. Fanfiction and Wattpad. First novel on Amazon


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